Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
