my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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