Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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