Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
