soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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