Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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