Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
