I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i love accidental penises.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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