Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
