I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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