I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
