Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
