It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
