I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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