Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
