Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm passing your future prison.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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