I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
