I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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