ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
