blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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