Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she told me i tasted like america
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
