yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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