I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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