yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
