ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
