I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When are your genitals available?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
