its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think my moral compass just broke
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