I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
