he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
