this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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