he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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