I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
