now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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