ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
