Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
