The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
