Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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