I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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