so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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