One girl and one boy is just not enough.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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