i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
