theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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