If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
