Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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