my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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