why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
