i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
