I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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