I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
