I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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