My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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