have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
