My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
