If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
