My friends, they love my intelligence
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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